


The weight upon my shoulders

by valerierosemberg



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Episode: s08e08 Hunteri Heroici, Feelings, Gen, POV Castiel, Suicidal Castiel, Suicidal Thoughts, Though kind of yeah, not really destiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-22
Updated: 2016-04-22
Packaged: 2018-06-03 17:55:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6620542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valerierosemberg/pseuds/valerierosemberg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What might have passed through Cas's mind while he told Dean why he was scared of going back to heaven.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The weight upon my shoulders

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: Suicidal thoughts.
> 
> So…this is something I don't usually do, but I feel really bad and the little line Cas said came to me and I just had to release all this into something somewhat more healthy.  
> Didn't really check the chapter thousands of times like I usually do, so if I made a mistake upon the before or after the actual dialogue scene I used, I'm sorry.

Is this what Atlas felt? His shoulders shuddering underneath the weigh of the world.

But I need to feel this pain on my back, I deserve it, even with it all crushing me, I feel it is still not enough, the pain and struggle I live through Purgatory…the look Dean had when I tried to stay, the face he had when I made him go alone through the portal…

It was all penitence, it was all worth it, and I don’t regret anything but to have caused my dear friend such pain.

But I was out way before I intended, way before I was ready, and now I find myself in front of him again and with every inch of my being I feel unworthy to be in the same place of the righteous man I have dragged through so much pain, to have his eyes fixed on me with such worry and asking me to tell him my thoughts…

Shall I tell him? Tell him what I’ve tried to hide and buried ever since I regained my own mind.

I can’t lie, he hates lies and I owe him as much as the entire truth.

"When I was... bad…” Was that the right choice of words? No, probably not, and by the look on his face he knows as much too; I wasn’t “bad”, I was so drunk upon the power I could have with all those souls, even before I had them inside I hurt people I loved, I harmed him…

But I have to keep going, the whole truth, “I caused a lot of suffering on Earth” to you “but I devastated Heaven. I vaporized thousands of my own kind, and I-I-I can't go back…” I can’t stop looking at his eyes for too long, they seem so filled with sympathy, but he’s better than what I’ve done, better than me “Because if I see what Heaven's become” No “what I...” Now I have to look down, ashamed of the words leaving my mouth, ashamed of every act I have done to make them true “what I made of it...” I look deep inside of him, knowing what I expect from my next words “I'm afraid I might kill myself." Silence, I didn’t expect silence…and that look.

‘So you want to bail on it? Run away from your responsibility? You don’t get to do that, not after everything you did to them, to us, to me!’

I expected something along those lines, rage, anger, but I had compassion and silence, and within those green eyes I used to delight before this sentiment arrived, I see fear, nor the fear I could notice when I stood above him with my halo glowing on the stupid notion I was better than humanity…than him, it is a fear he has shown to Sam, one he showed in Purgatory too, he’s scared I might be hurt, even if it’s under my own hands.

But Dean, I don’t deserve that, not now, I don’t deserve to be your family, your friend.

I want to ask him to stop, but a part of me wants to ask more. It is selfish, stupid even, to need his care so much, but feeling so unworthy of having it.

I want to redeem myself to him, to be free of guilt and free to be cared for, but I don’t think that day ever comes.

Right now I’m just a pathetic excuse of an angel, trying to be a hunter and help people to make up for the atrocities I’ve done, presented in front of a man I have adore all this years, who should hate me and be disgusted by my presence, but somehow manages to give me that fond look so sincere.

I might somehow be able to pay for my mistakes, but I’ll never be able to feel deserving of asking Dean more than what he gives me.


End file.
